Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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