I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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