Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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