enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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