Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I need to calm my uterus...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
