farters have to be the big spoon...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
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Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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