People with herpes should wear stickers.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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