no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am