So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM