he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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