Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
