I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
