we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
