I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
