Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
