Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
