i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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