first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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