I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
