I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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