I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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