Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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