____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize