You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize