Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
