At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
