Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
