oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
