I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
