I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
