Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
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There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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