I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
