Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
