Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
