I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
