I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
