24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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