I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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