My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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