I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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