you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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