Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
