A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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