my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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