I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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