Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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