You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
