i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
This is the high leading the old right now
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
