mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
