i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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