I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
