I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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