New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We have started to decorate penises.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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