it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
