just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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