She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
