some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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