U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
How's work?
Spinning.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
