I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
