apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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